Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
my shit smells like andre
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
