Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
