I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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