I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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