You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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