so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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