Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
