Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
