I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
