god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
