Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
My ATM looks so different sober.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
