Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
