Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
im six kinds of drunk right now
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
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