apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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