it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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