woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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