I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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