being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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