If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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