I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
