last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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