I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
