I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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