we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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