The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize