her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
