i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
And then he peed in my hair
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