So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
