How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
