So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
