happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
