The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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