my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
