At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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