Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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