Whod you bang
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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