So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
now i know why i became what i already was.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
