One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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