I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
