nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
