Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
