so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize