How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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