my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
