I love black thongs
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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