hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just pee around me
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize