I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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