I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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