I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
