I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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