remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
