I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
