im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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