this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
