Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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