The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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