Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
