I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I checked into jail on foursquare
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Randomize
