I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
